Where is home?

Moving back and forth from the dorm and my house for spring break has me confused. My friends visiting from out of town at the same time has me thrown back into old times. Apartment hunting and planning has me thrown into the future. And now I just don't know where I belong.

I have stuff everywhere. I literally have 4 different bedrooms. It's just stuff. Everywhere. I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do. I'm moving into an apartment this summer and I'm not sure how that's going to work. Do I move everything out from my other homes? Do I put away the past? Where do I start and where do I finish? I want to start over. I want to empty out everything, sort it all, throw things away, and rejuvenate my life. I want to have ONE place where I belong.

I'm stuck at this awkward transitional phrase where I live on my own, but I still live at home. I want to be done. I want to be out on my own. I want to start over. I want a new beginning.

At the same time, it's really hard for me to let go of the past in terms of the people in my life. I miss my friends, I miss my freedom, I miss the craziness and spontaneity.

I don't know where to go. I don't know what to be. I don't know where I am or where I'm going. I'm stuck. Just...stuck.

Suicide.

It makes you think.

When someone else chooses to leave this life, it makes you look at all the reasons they had to stay. You see all the friends and family who mourn the loss; you see how much that person was loved. You look back on all the great things they accomplished in their lives, their talents, and all the things they had to be grateful for.

Most importantly, it makes you look at what you have. It makes you look at all the people who love you, how much you've accomplished, and all you have to be grateful for. It teaches you to appreciate everything you have. It teaches you to see the beauty in the little things. It teaches you to be polite to the stranger passing by, to tell others how you feel, to laugh, to love, to forgive.

It really just makes you think.

Scene 1, Take 2

Second semester starts Tuesday.

Holy shit.

I'm not ready to go back to the real world.

That's all I have for now.